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Written by Jim Stern
Effective listening is a superpower.
I first learned about true listening from my wife who used to lament about the scarcity of good listeners. So, I sought to listen to her, to ask better and betterquestions, and to truly hear her. I did not know that good listening would be so hard.
Then I began doing inner healing work in others as I sought to disciple them into fullness in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I quickly learned that if you ask good questions, people love to, and want to, talk! While getting someone to open up initially can take time, once they start talking, they will often keep talking!
Now to the Psalms. King David talks. He opens up with raw candor and shares what he is feeling and thinking. His way of emotional processing is worthy of study and practice. When I train people in effective listening, I will contrast David’s words of Psalm 13 with his words in Psalm 18.
Watch how this works.
Psalm 13 has a total of six verses. David opens this Psalm says, “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” Obviously, David is feeling abandoned. As he meditates on Yahweh’s presence in his current circumstances, he feels forgotten. Feeling forgotten is a horrible experience!
Yet, by verses 5-6, David has processed his emotions and come around. Now, he says,
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
And after verse 6, David is done.
Whatever his circumstances, David needed six verses of processing.
Contrast his experience leading to Psalm 13 with that of Psalm 18. Six verses to process in Psalm 13, fifty verses in Psalm 18! Different circumstances. Different depth of processing.
After opening Psalm 18 in verses 1-3 with beautiful praise, David drops this in verses 4-5,
“The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me.”
Whatever his circumstances, David is feeling them intensely. And he verbalizes his reality a total of fifty verses. Again, by the fiftieth verse, David has come around and declares, “Great salvation he brings to his king, and shows steadfast love to his anointed, to David and his offspring forever.”
That is incredible processing!
Now, what does this have to do with listening? Sometimes the person you are talking to is having a Psalm 13 day. They need you to listen to six verses of difficulty. Sometimes the person you are talking to is having a Psalm 18 day. And they need you to listen to fifty verses of difficulty. (By the way, if they are having a Psalm 119 day, that is 176 verses of processing, you will need a couple extra coffees!)
The challenge in effective listening is to not cut someone off after their first “verse” of sharing. Imagine cutting David off after he speaks Psalm 13:1 to you. After all, you have heard enough of what he has to say to know exactly what he needs to hear! And you cut him off and share your biblical wisdom with him that he has to know that Yahweh is with us no matter how we feel. Feelings are dangerous. He needs to stand in the truth of Yahweh’s nearness.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Vomit. Vomit. Vomit.
While what you said is certainly true, it is absolutely inappropriate and harmful to David’s experience. He is experiencing six verses of difficulty that he needs to vent. What he needs is someone who is not pre-loaded to give him some canned response. He needs someone who loves him enough to sit with him and hear him for as long as it takes.
Furthermore, the contrast between Psalm 13 and 18 shows us that people need different depths of listening at different times. Not every day is a 13 day or an 18 day. Life hits at different depths at different times. Flexing the superpower of effective listening requires discerning in what condition the one is sharing. You cannot treat a Psalm 18 experience with Psalm 13 length listening.
If we love each other, then we will learn to listen to each other. True caring is often felt through taking the time to value another by asking questions and listening, rather than cutting off and racing to share your wisdom.
Now, to be very sure, there are those who ramble and ramble…… and ramble. Everything experience is a Psalm 119 experience. I am not talking about those select, few, wonderful people. Just as there is healthy listening there is also healthy sharing. But that is for another blog.
Forgive me, I do not have the exact quote in front of me, but at one point I interviewed Lynn Ziegenfuss. Lynn has been in spiritual formation and disciple-making forforty plus years. She is an awesome sister in the Kingdom. I asked her if she had one word she would give to someone who wants to excel in making disciples, in truly impacting lives, what would it be. She did not hesitate. She said something like, “I would teach them to listen.”
In marriage counseling, I will often give husbands an exercise telling them, “You are allowed to make one comment to your wife for every five questions you ask her!” Their facial expressions are awesome!
Effective listening is not easy in the beginning but can become highly valuable. People are in pain. People want to share. Are we willing and able to listen?
Resting in the overflow of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit’s love for us, let us listen to others, and listen well.
