Another Bad Phrase

Jesus says in John 13:34, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”  

I have a new phrase I strongly dislike. For a long time, I have argued against the phrase, “perception is reality.” For a follower of Jesus, perception is not reality, truth is reality. We are called to be people of truth, not people of perception. Perception is what got Jesus killed. 

My new phrase I strongly dislike is, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” What an unfortunate slogan but one that many casually spout. In simplest terms the phrase doesn’t get too well with Jesus’s John 13:34 commandment to love one another. “Hey, I love you but I don’t care what you think about me,” doesn’t exactly work.  

So how does this work? How does it work to care about what people think about you? 

In 2001, I became the Student Pastor at First Baptist Pearland, a suburb just south of Houston. FBC Pearland is where I met Luis Valdes. He and I have been together on the battlefield of life for 23 years. We have walked with each other through tremendous personal loss and suffering, business and ministry success and failure, his adoption of four children, and every other aspect of life. We talk trash about basketball and politics. We have very, very deep conversations about theology and, because he is a psychologist, human flourishing.  

I absolutely care very much about what Luis thinks about me and what he says about me. If Luis decided one day that he no longer liked me and wanted nothing to do with me, it would hurt deeply. Losing him would create a big hole in my heart.   

In addition to Luis, I have 40+ men and women that I have truly fallen in love with as brothers and sisters in the Lord. Each one of them has a piece of my heart. When I see them, hear them, or get a text from them, my affections are stirred! I feel joy.  

I care a great deal about what they think about me.  

And I certainly, obviously, care what my wife and kids think about me.   

I also have some folks that I respect professionally. While I am not in love with them, I do admire their faith and work. I care what they think about me as well.  

Then there are many, many, many other people that I actually do not care what they think about me. Would being liked by all people be nice? Maybe. Is that realistic? Not a chance. Because I speak in public as a course of my career, there have been many occasions in which people have not liked my style, my words, or my conclusions. It is not that I like, or don’t like, these people. It is just that I do not know them well enough to give them the kind of power Luis has in my life to affect my heart. Therefore, they can call me whatever name they’d like. They can tell me I am terrible at what I do. They can trash me behind my back. And I will not lose any sleep.  

I don’t like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me,” because it robs those who say it of the rich blessings that come from the right people.  

There are several keys to living out how to let people affect you in a healthy way.  

First, be way more affected by God’s words about you than any other person. Only the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit truly know you. In our John 13:34 passage, Jesus says, “as I have loved you…” God’s love, His truth, and His ongoing work to build you up MUST supersede everyone else’s words, thoughts, and feelings about you. Nourishing on our Father’s words is one of the reasons I get up everyday and meditate on His word for me and about me. I am going out onto the battlefield of life to, in part, deal with people who may or may not like me. Being filled on Divine love leaves little room for other’s negativity.  

Second, be highly selective in who you let affect you. You have the power to choose who you are going to give power to. Anyone who can affect you is someone to whom you choose to give power. What’s your standard someone must have before you give them power? If you are letting people you don’t know or people you do know but do not trust or people you do know but do not respect have power to affect you, why?  

One day Jesus was speaking to a crowd in a room. Someone told Jesus that His mother, Mary, and his brothers were outside. He replied, in typical Jesus style, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?…For whoever does the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:48-50). The litmus test for Jesus wasn’t biological family, it was those who actively engaged in His Father’s will. Jesus had a standard that helped determine to whom He gave power.  

For those to whom you give power, embrace their love. Draw on it. Remind yourself of them and their words as various accusers rise up. You have great brothers and sisters in life that believe great things about you! Believe in what they say. AND, PLEASE, make sure you REGULARLY encourage and build up your close friends. In the same way their words are manna to you, so too are your words to them!  

Third, reject what everyone else may think or feel about you. Sadly, this may mean dethroning your mom or dad or other significant family members. Obviously, their encouragement and support would be very helpful. But continuing to give them influence in your life is doing nothing but eroding your God-given life. The same is true with others who continue to reject or insult or talk trash about you.  

Pray.  

Ask our Father to give you the courage to reject their labels.  

Pleasing everyone all the time or having everyone like you all the time is not possible and is a dangerous way to live. Cutting off everyone and somehow boldly declaring, “I don’t care what anyone says about me,” does not work either. 

The healthy way forward is to prioritize who you do care about. Care what our Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit say about you. Care about what your closest friends, who also pursue our Father’s will, say about you. And reject the rest.  

LIFE in the Overflow is full of love and encouragement and accountability and healthy relationships. May our Father lead you to more of His people who will be brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers to you and may He lead you to become that for them!