Handling Others’ Pain

Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.” 

Matthew 9:36-38 

I used to regularly wonder if all people were as broken as the people with whom I was meeting. Man, I have heard some incredible stories of pain and suffering. One person after another. I used to ask our Father about the number of people dealing with significant issues. I wondered if maybe I was just a magnet for people in need.  

I don’t think so.  

I think that, while not everyone is dealing with the same degree of pain, many, many people are taking enormous hits straight to the heart and face. Pain is everywhere. No one is immune. The hits can be seasonal or chronic, varying in intensity. But it is real. 

And it’s you. 

And it’s the person next to you.  

And the person next to them.   

That many are experiencing pain seems to map onto Jesus’s ministry. In our text He is traveling from town to town. People are everywhere. Hurt is everywhere. 

Unfortunately, in my experience, Christians, and maybe others but the bulk of my interactions are with Jesus-people, are terrible at handling other people’s pain. The things we say to each other are rough and often cold. We just don’t know how to respond well. So I would like to offer some help so that we in the faith can be better ministers as we invite people to share with us their stories.    

Now, I have worked through this passage before, but I want to revisit one thing and then do some new things with it. Notice that when Jesus actually sees the people, He sees their pain and FEELS compassion. That He feels compassion is where I want to land momentarily. He is emotionally engaged and allows Himself to be affected by the pain of others.  

While there are some people who make the mistake of taking on people’s pain, making it theirs, most make the opposite mistake, cutting off their own potential emotional reaction of compassion. I see this regularly when one receives another’s pain story and the receiver immediately says they are sorry, tells them they will pray, and changes the subject or walk away.  

People can be very uncomfortable in the presence of pain. Jesus was not. We should not be. Jesus responded to the pain He saw by feeling compassion.  

We can be made into compassionate people by the Holy Spirit as we honestly seek to live by faith. To live by faith, to seek the will of our Father for wholeness and direction, is absolutely not easy. To open oneself to the inner journey I discussed in last week’s OVERFLOW takes courage. The more I allow the Holy Spirit to open more, the more closed off places He accesses, the more I understand the difficulty of life. In my struggle I am given the opportunity to appropriately feel the struggle of others. 

As Jesus-people we are supposed to, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). We are to feel. To celebrate. To mourn alongside our brothers and sisters as they do the same for us.  

Now, with a heart of compassion, what can we say when someone we are with shares their pain. Your role in that situation depends on your proximity to the person and your common experiences.  

Before we get to specific situations, let me implore you in one area. Do NOT try and deliver people out of their pain with your words. Many times there is nothing wrong with feeling pain. If someone is struggling with a child, just got bad health news, lost a loved one, endured some kind of violation, or worse, then those things are supposed to hurt. To comfort someone in their pain is way different than trying to deliver someone out of their pain with your trite Bible verse recitation. DON’T DO IT.   

1. If you are not already in a person’s inner circle and you have no common experience with their story, you are not allowed to say much at all. And, if you are not sure whether you are in another’s inner circle, then you’re not. Don’t act like you are by hanging around longer than you should. A simple word of, “I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am very, very sorry for your pain. I know you have good people around you. If I can help in anyway, please let me know.” If they choose to engage and share more, then, continue the conversation. Otherwise, move on. Do not make their situation awkward. 

2. If you are not inner circle but you have a common experience, you can certainly, briefly share. For example, if a person’s mom died and you have already lost your mom, you could say, “I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom passed five years ago. It is really tough. I know you have great people around you, but I am happy to listen or sit with you as you need.” If they engage, that is great. Otherwise, move on. Remember, just because you both lost your mothers does not mean you fully understand their loss. You could have had a great mom, and they had a terrible one. Or vice versa. Be careful in assuming that your situation is identical to theirs. 

3. If you are inner circle, then be present. Whether in person, on the phone, or text you need to be available. Do not feel like you have to say something profound. If you are inner circle, then your presence is very powerful. As one who cares about and loves the other person, gently ask questions. Remember, you do not know very much about what they are going through. You should have questions. But your questions are not fact finding for you, they are gentle probes of the person’s heart and desire to talk about what they are going through. Make sure you pursue the person in the days and weeks to come. Send a text, “I thought about you this morning. Here for you if you need to talk. You are not alone. Love you.” Ask them to lunch. If you are inner circle, DO NOT WAIT for them to call you “if they need you.” True inner circle people initiate and pursue each other. 

Notice in our Matthew 9 text that Jesus’s solution to people’s pain is to send His people into the harvest field. He is sending us into people’s pain to love and care and minister. Our success with others’ pain often comes from our experience of people handling our pain. If you have not let anyone, let alone our Heavenly Father, access your heart, maybe the point of this blog is to bring you to a place where you will.  

You are loved. 

You are not alone.